I spent the better part of the last year sitting in a Subaru Outback. I started touring in July and have had mostly 1-2 week breaks since. Looking back to when I first started Soccer Mommy – I was just coming out of high school and I was riddled with anxiety over my future – I never would’ve expected to be building a career. I always thought I would follow a plan: go to college, get a degree, get a job. I had never really considered what I wanted though.
My first year of college was very transformative for me, as both a person and an artist. most of my time was spent in my room recording and writing music rather than working on school work. I had no drive to make friends or focus on school and most things felt like they were just another step towards a career and a life I didn’t know if i wanted. I felt alone and lost but I felt so much, and it allowed me to pour that into songs for a growing following on the internet. Every moment of growth for my music felt like a ray of sunlight in my grim dorm room.
Everything feels different now. I’ve realized that I’m stuck inside my mind in some ways. I think I just care about the things in my life more now because I have something I want. I’m a little bit of a perfectionist when I comes to music, so when I do well it’s liberating, but when I do badly it’s deeply crushing. I’m trying to find a balance between being hardworking and overworking myself.
It helps to focus on things that feel comforting and inspiring rather than the bad things. Putting faith in something else, like the earth and the stars, can be a good relief from the negativity of the world. I think my writing may be going in a darker direction, making it all the more important to have positive forces in my day to day life. I think it’s okay to be inspired by darkness, as long as you’re still trying to claw yourself out.
Photography by Hayden Sitomer